Deep Inside My Soul

Keep Calm Under Pressure

Erin — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 18:43:02 +0000

Just stay calm, the headlights are coming up in the distance very soon. You don’t have long to wait. You can do this. You can do it. Don’t fuck things up more for yourself by trying to impact a collision. It’s much better if you just wait and let the truck pass by naturally, drawing less suspicion for yourself. You don’t need to be a Vanger calamity because you just can’t handle the pressure. She will get you through. Let yourself cry, and just let yourself go. It will all come in good time, you know that. You know.

I understand when the pressures are mounting that you need to just get away, you need to escape down the highway. It will come soon love. So soon. You will have what you need, and the taillights will pass into the distance. I know its not the timing that you wanted, but you cannot let yourself be chased by someone mad, and let that person be yourself. So breathe. Immerse yourself into something and let go of the world. When you wake up, things will be better, and you will know you can handle this. Fuck, you stupid woman, you know you’ve got this. How long have we been doing this to yourself? Long enough to know better and that the time will come. So just calm the fuck down and breathe.

Soon it will be a new year and things can be fresh. And you can start then. Just focus on the headlights, even though they seem so far off, you know that time passes, and the distance can be divided by time. The rate is steady. It is an equation, even if it is one that seems so improbable right now, the mathematics are certain, and the problem will be solved. I know it isn’t what you want, but you have no choice but to be patient. Be patient and breathe. Let her take you in and focus on her mystery. She will soothe your battered soul. Even if it takes 200 cigarettes and a battalion of drink, you will make it. Because this is really not a riddle, even though you’ve tried your hardest to solve it as such. It’s now just a waiting game. Don’t resign when there is a stalemate in your future. It may take a dozen more moves, but it is possible. You can do this. Fucking do this. You cannot win, but you will not lose.

I Want Out

Erin — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 06:11:14 +0000

Why, can I not find it in myself to get out of this mess I have made? I didn’t make the entire mess, I just helped along the mess that was presented to me. I could have handled it so much better. Really, how can I be 30 and feel as if my life is over? What drive makes me want to continue? Hope, such little hope, there is left. So many things I want to do, but I have no means to accomplish them. Maybe my mother is right all along. How would it feel to a mother to have such an incredible screw up for a child? Obviously. Compare myself and my sibling. His biggest problem is a young dog that has issues staying calm. I am sure there are more things that lurk under the surface, but nothing that can even compare to myself.

I want to disappear, under an assumed name, and take up an entire new life with the only one person who truly loves me, all of me, no matter how bad it is. I want to hide away in a foreign land and just live and experience life and be free and happy. I want out. I want out so badly. The means by which it happens is just completely indistinct.

Secrets Bring Ruins

Erin — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 21:55:20 +0000

If it is one thing that I have learned over the past thirty years, it is that when something happens, no matter what it is, and you cannot deal with it alone, no matter how much you think you can, you must tell someone, you must get help. My life has been literally almost ruined by all of the secrets that I have kept. No one person is equipped to deal with atrocities against human nature. I certainly am not, and I have learned that the hard way.

I was so smart, so gifted in school, but I was keeping a horrible secret. I was being molested by my uncle. I didn’t tell anyone. I was too terrified. The threats he made to me haunt me to this day. I still dream about it, waking up in a cold sweat, not realizing that this is now and those days are gone. Gone in time, but not gone in memory. So I threw myself into my studies and my Catholic upbringing. When the peak of the abuse was raging, I would study the Bible and Catholic texts as if they were my only salvation. I wrote twisted prose and dreamed of wanting to be a songwriter, if only there was some way for me to put my angst out there and out of myself. Instead, everything twisted inward, and by the time I got to high school, I had gotten good at being the covert rebel. I was above reproach, because I was at the top of my class. I volunteered. I could have intelligent debates and win with my teachers who I assumed must be much stupider than me. So I skipped school a lot in the afternoons. Being raised Catholic, I never got into anything illegal. I never have really. I just skirted the borders.

Then I got to college. Full scholarship plus living expenses. But I was in the throes of a terrible eating disorder and so introverted that I couldn’t function. Then I was raped by my boyfriend. I told no one. This made things completely not manageable. My parents pulled me out of school and sent me to treatment. I returned to school the next year, but barely went to class. I ended up moving upstate and getting a job, seeing a therapist, and trying to act like the adult I knew that I should be, but was completely not.

And then something happened. I needed to get out. So I went to nursing school. Figuring I could live anywhere and make enough money at it. And the degree would only take two years. I was no angel, however. It was during this time that the pills started, slowly, so innocently. All prescription. And I did take them as prescribed. It took years for me to wander down the road to addiction and excess. I got my bachelor’s degree in nursing as well. I started working in an ICU, and I was an excellent nurse. I even finally came out as being a lesbian/bisexual to my family and friends. And I entered into a serious relationship with a woman who would end up destroying me. I married her. I fell into the throes of addiction, she was abusive, and I was diagnosed with cancer. The cancer only made the addiction worse, because the legitimate pain could not be managed due to my sizable tolerance to prescription drugs. And I told no one.

The one thing that has saved me, and I am glad for this that I live in this time, is that I have always had the internet. Friends across borders, far away, that genuinely cared and that I could bare my soul to. It was one such girl that helped me save myself. And I fell madly in love with her. She knows all my secrets, big and small, and I don’t have to bear the burden by myself. Yes, it feels unfair to place part of my load on someone else’s back, but we all have strong shoulders when it comes to helping others. Most of us do. I can carry far more of someone else’s load than I can of mine. It’s the separation from each that exists to make this possible.

I was recently raped at gunpoint, and I barely know how to deal with this. I do the best I can. I know I am not alone, but it’s very hard not to feel that way. But I do things better this time around. There are no pills, there is no self destruction. There is taking one day at a time. Slowly, trying not to destroy myself in the process. What will come of it, I am not sure, but I’m hoping for the best outcome.

So This Is Christmas, And What Have I Done?

Erin — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 05:02:21 +0000

So this is Christmas, and what have I done? Another year over, a new one just begun. And so this is Christmas, and did I have fun? The near and the dear one, so old and so young.

I am thirty years old, and it’s Christmas. Where am I and what the hell am I doing? I just want a viable way out of my mess of a life and a way to the life I want so badly. I know nothing is easy. Nothing ever has been. I think of the spectrum of people that run through my life. From those who are married, have Ph.Ds, and are on their way to seeming happiness, to those who are married, having babies, or just getting married. And then there are people who can’t seem to get it together. I guess you can never tell what is under the hood of someone’s life. It could be seemingly perfect on the outside and just a mess underneath. I guess I put on a pretty good show to those that don’t know me (and those that do know me, really, are very very few). No one knows how much of a mess I am, how close to the edge I am walking, how I live the way I do, traveling, because if I stay in one place too long, then I won’t be able to handle it.

There is such a thing as needing to be with the ones you love. The older I get, the more I realize how true this is. I get so lonely on the road, but I really have no choice but to stay here. The experiences I get really are priceless, and I wouldn’t exchange them. It’s just Christmas, and I miss my parents, my brother, my girlfriend and her family, and my dog. So I am going to try and wrap myself up in a big Christmas bundle of lights and movies and music and try not to let myself drown in my tears.

Christmas may be commercial, but I love every second of it. The glitter, lights, constant commercials, Santas, bells, and all the garish hoopla that goes with it. Because even though we don’t need a day to tell us to appreciate the ones we love and allow us to be together, Christmas means something, even more nowadays, that cannot be replaced. It’s a time where everyone seems to care, and people give without thinking, and families come together, love or hate, and spend time together. Yes, it’s true that we should make every day Christmas, but that will never happen. So I cling to the one month a year where all of this is a given. And yes, I cry because I am lonely. But I know there are people in my situation as well. So to them, I wish you a very Happy Christmas, and a knowing that you aren’t the only ones.

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
War is over
If you want it
War is over
Now…

I’m Drowning

Erin — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 04:53:27 +0000

For months, I have started countless blogs, and I never post them, because I’m never allowed to feel anything bad, right? This is just the context placed on myself, by no one else. But let’s be honest with yourself, I feel like I am sinking so low in the deep depths of something and I don’t know how to get myself out. The last time I remember being truly happy was months ago now. And so much has happened since then. Maybe I am just genetically predisposed to feeling this way, maybe I can’t see the stars for the trees, maybe I need an antidepressant.

I’ve sat through long lonely nights contemplating my exit, even figuring out how it was gonna happen, making sure that everything was there to make it happen. And I decided that’s not what I really want. Yet sometimes I still catch myself wishing I had the guts. But knowing, in reality, that having the guts is deciding to stick through things, because not everything is bad forever. In fact, the truth is, most things at the moment aren’t bad at all.

Last year is done. I’ve put that behind me. That door is finally closed. I don’t ever have to see that place again. I’ve minimized my life. I now only have the most important things. I know they all fit in just a few boxes, but it’s all material, right? Haven’t I, at times, wished that I could just shed everything material and just go? I think I have done it, to the best of my capabilities. I don’t have a permanent home. Well, I do, with her… <3 But I’m not there at the moment. I literally live out of my suitcase. I really don’t know if people understand what that really means.

I just want the sadness to stop, to give me a little reprieve. I want to feel truly happy for a moment, and to be able to revel in it. I’m working towards it. Everything is focused on it. I want to feel like I’m going somewhere. For awhile, I’ve just been standing still. I’ve been here too long. In this place. I need somewhere new. But the fact is that I’m never going to feel satisfied, feel like everything is ok, until I’m with her.

But for now, please just make something really, really good and concrete happen. Send me a sign that I’m gonna be alright. Please make the tears stop. Right now, I’m drowning.

Experience

Erin — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 05:02:53 +0000

And what really makes such stuff? Do we ever really grasp the full reality of ourselves? I don’t know if I can fully define myself, even at this point. I’m on the verge of turning thirty. At times that seems so unreal to me. I don’t think I’ll ever fully comprehend my life. Is it that we are really a culmination of everything that we have experienced, or is it that those things stand independent of who we truly are, traipsing along a star covered path, just having things happen, but never really having them be a part of us? I am split on that decision. Maybe we are just all things at once, just as everyone is everything at once. We are all part of the experience, pure energy that travels into all existence, but not really being aware of the impact and the knowledge that is potentially out there. I don’t understand how I can just be myself, and someone else can just be them. Where does the delineation lie? How can I not know their reality but know my own? Maybe it truly means we really are alone in our experience, as the only thing that seems to relay my life to another is my words. But not some automatic knowing and understanding. I think those connections are truly very rare. We never let people in enough to allow that kind of transcendence to occur. Only if we are truly lucky. I guess it requires the ultimate trust, that most people just really cannot allow. Maybe we can partially let ourselves get there, but taking the quantum leap, that is reserved for the most adventurous. It’s like a step beyond falling in love. It is a question of being alone or being known, but really, it is a question of fear and anxiety. Can that be overcome? Can you let yourself truly fall into the arms of another and find that most complete, soul soothing peace?

Sweet Surrender

Erin — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 11:18:50 +0000

It doesn’t mean much, it doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I’ve left behind me, is a cold room
I’ve crossed the last line, from where I can’t return
Where every step I took in faith betrayed me
And led me from my home

And sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

You take me in, no questions asked
You strip away the ugliness, that surrounds me (who are you?)
Are you an angel? Am I already that gone?
I only hope that I won’t disappoint you
When I’m down here on my knees (who are you?)

Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give (who are you?)
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

Oh I don’t understand
How by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
Oh, I miss the little things
I miss the simple things
Oh, and I miss everything, everything about you

So it doesn’t mean much,
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I left behind me is a cold room (who are you?)

Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give (who are you?)
Sweet surrender
is all that I have to give

My Arms

Erin — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 11:29:42 +0000

I smiled at you slyly, as I crept up close. Why are you crying, might I ask? There is nothing to fear my dear. You are safe with me, climb into my arms, and you’ll be free. Why do you think the angels tread so light? Not even God himself would dare come close to this place, and the devil leaves it a barren sight. No one will ever understand. My eyes will forever dance in your head. You think you are free? Oh child, you’ll come back to me. You may yearn for safety, but you will only find it in my arms, for, dear, I hold your life in my hands, your soul in my heart, and your desires in my harms. I own you and don’t you ever forget. Running a finger down her cheek, I wiped away the tear, and then I went in deep. So wonderful, how I revel in this delicious delight, taking yet another bite, licking my plate clean. After so many times, I don’t even have to fight. I will always get what I want. You, I will always own. My arms are so strong, they caress you, they keep you ahold. I promise to kill you, I whispered in her ear. You’ll never forget that I’ll always be near. My name is destruction, I’ll fuck up your head. But precious, remember, you’re better off dead.

Unspoken

Erin — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 19:13:42 +0000

Words weren’t made that are beautiful enough to contain you. You escape them every time they try to capture you in a spoken phrase, a whispered confession of love, or a plaintive cry for you. Your beauty, love, heart, and soul ascend existing language. So to describe you, the only way is to create a new tongue, to twist around the given ways, until something is created that can enrapture everything that you are. As I am not gifted in a dialect so advanced, maybe even too forward for my love drunk mind to ever fathom, I will have to fall back upon these feeble words that do no justice to you. If a god falls down from the heavens to grace me with a gift for ardent prose, there will be an immediate outpouring of everything that, for now, remains unsaid. But I do want you to know just how much I feel it, swirling around in my being, making my heart swell and lungs expel every breath for you. So for now, I’ll utter the simplest, yet most entangled, phrase that my soul can muster: I love you.

Overcome

Erin — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 17:00:00 +0000

I’ve loved you for over a year now. I think I fell in love with you the moment I met you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. You do something to me that no one else can even remotely come close to. I love you with every fiber of my being. And all I want to do is spend the rest of my life proving that to you, showing that to you, being so close to you, sharing my every thought with you, be enraptured with every part of you. I love you so much, I need you so much, I want you so much. You are everything to me. Everything. My heart aches for you every moment, every minute, every hour of the day. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you, nothing I wouldn’t give you, nothing I wouldn’t be for you. Every beat of my heart is for you. I don’t exist without you. You are so deep within me, there is no way I can be, I can do if I don’t have you. If I cry, it is because I am so overcome with this emotion I have for you, this love. I wish I could explain it better. I want to be able to show you and make you feel happy, to make you feel my love. I will spend my life doing that. Every time I see you, I get butterflies in my stomach. Nothing about us ever turns old for me, nothing is any less new than it was the first time. I don’t think you understand what you do to me. I will get to you. I will spend the rest of my life in your tender embrace, my head resting on your shoulder, you stroking my hair and knowing what it is like to feel so completely loved. Waking up in your arms every day, feeling your breath on my neck and your lips against mine. Satisfying our every need. I’m so overcome. I want to tell you I love you every minute I breathe. It will never be enough, I can never fully express what you mean to me, how much I love you, what you have done for me. You are everything in this world to me. I love you my beautiful love. I love you so much. I love you.