Keep Calm Under Pressure

Just stay calm, the headlights are coming up in the distance very soon. You don’t have long to wait. You can do this. You can do it. Don’t fuck things up more for yourself by trying to impact a collision. It’s much better if you just wait and let the truck pass by naturally, drawing less suspicion for yourself. You don’t need to be a Vanger calamity because you just can’t handle the pressure. She will get you through. Let yourself cry, and just let yourself go. It will all come in good time, you know that. You know.

I understand when the pressures are mounting that you need to just get away, you need to escape down the highway. It will come soon love. So soon. You will have what you need, and the taillights will pass into the distance. I know its not the timing that you wanted, but you cannot let yourself be chased by someone mad, and let that person be yourself. So breathe. Immerse yourself into something and let go of the world. When you wake up, things will be better, and you will know you can handle this. Fuck, you stupid woman, you know you’ve got this. How long have we been doing this to yourself? Long enough to know better and that the time will come. So just calm the fuck down and breathe.

Soon it will be a new year and things can be fresh. And you can start then. Just focus on the headlights, even though they seem so far off, you know that time passes, and the distance can be divided by time. The rate is steady. It is an equation, even if it is one that seems so improbable right now, the mathematics are certain, and the problem will be solved. I know it isn’t what you want, but you have no choice but to be patient. Be patient and breathe. Let her take you in and focus on her mystery. She will soothe your battered soul. Even if it takes 200 cigarettes and a battalion of drink, you will make it. Because this is really not a riddle, even though you’ve tried your hardest to solve it as such. It’s now just a waiting game. Don’t resign when there is a stalemate in your future. It may take a dozen more moves, but it is possible. You can do this. Fucking do this. You cannot win, but you will not lose.

I Want Out

Why, can I not find it in myself to get out of this mess I have made? I didn’t make the entire mess, I just helped along the mess that was presented to me. I could have handled it so much better. Really, how can I be 30 and feel as if my life is over? What drive makes me want to continue? Hope, such little hope, there is left. So many things I want to do, but I have no means to accomplish them. Maybe my mother is right all along. How would it feel to a mother to have such an incredible screw up for a child? Obviously. Compare myself and my sibling. His biggest problem is a young dog that has issues staying calm. I am sure there are more things that lurk under the surface, but nothing that can even compare to myself.

I want to disappear, under an assumed name, and take up an entire new life with the only one person who truly loves me, all of me, no matter how bad it is. I want to hide away in a foreign land and just live and experience life and be free and happy. I want out. I want out so badly. The means by which it happens is just completely indistinct.

Secrets Bring Ruins

If it is one thing that I have learned over the past thirty years, it is that when something happens, no matter what it is, and you cannot deal with it alone, no matter how much you think you can, you must tell someone, you must get help. My life has been literally almost ruined by all of the secrets that I have kept. No one person is equipped to deal with atrocities against human nature. I certainly am not, and I have learned that the hard way.

I was so smart, so gifted in school, but I was keeping a horrible secret. I was being molested by my uncle. I didn’t tell anyone. I was too terrified. The threats he made to me haunt me to this day. I still dream about it, waking up in a cold sweat, not realizing that this is now and those days are gone. Gone in time, but not gone in memory. So I threw myself into my studies and my Catholic upbringing. When the peak of the abuse was raging, I would study the Bible and Catholic texts as if they were my only salvation. I wrote twisted prose and dreamed of wanting to be a songwriter, if only there was some way for me to put my angst out there and out of myself. Instead, everything twisted inward, and by the time I got to high school, I had gotten good at being the covert rebel. I was above reproach, because I was at the top of my class. I volunteered. I could have intelligent debates and win with my teachers who I assumed must be much stupider than me. So I skipped school a lot in the afternoons. Being raised Catholic, I never got into anything illegal. I never have really. I just skirted the borders.

Then I got to college. Full scholarship plus living expenses. But I was in the throes of a terrible eating disorder and so introverted that I couldn’t function. Then I was raped by my boyfriend. I told no one. This made things completely not manageable. My parents pulled me out of school and sent me to treatment. I returned to school the next year, but barely went to class. I ended up moving upstate and getting a job, seeing a therapist, and trying to act like the adult I knew that I should be, but was completely not.

And then something happened. I needed to get out. So I went to nursing school. Figuring I could live anywhere and make enough money at it. And the degree would only take two years. I was no angel, however. It was during this time that the pills started, slowly, so innocently. All prescription. And I did take them as prescribed. It took years for me to wander down the road to addiction and excess. I got my bachelor’s degree in nursing as well. I started working in an ICU, and I was an excellent nurse. I even finally came out as being a lesbian/bisexual to my family and friends. And I entered into a serious relationship with a woman who would end up destroying me. I married her. I fell into the throes of addiction, she was abusive, and I was diagnosed with cancer. The cancer only made the addiction worse, because the legitimate pain could not be managed due to my sizable tolerance to prescription drugs. And I told no one.

The one thing that has saved me, and I am glad for this that I live in this time, is that I have always had the internet. Friends across borders, far away, that genuinely cared and that I could bare my soul to. It was one such girl that helped me save myself. And I fell madly in love with her. She knows all my secrets, big and small, and I don’t have to bear the burden by myself. Yes, it feels unfair to place part of my load on someone else’s back, but we all have strong shoulders when it comes to helping others. Most of us do. I can carry far more of someone else’s load than I can of mine. It’s the separation from each that exists to make this possible.

I was recently raped at gunpoint, and I barely know how to deal with this. I do the best I can. I know I am not alone, but it’s very hard not to feel that way. But I do things better this time around. There are no pills, there is no self destruction. There is taking one day at a time. Slowly, trying not to destroy myself in the process. What will come of it, I am not sure, but I’m hoping for the best outcome.

So This Is Christmas, And What Have I Done?

So this is Christmas, and what have I done? Another year over, a new one just begun. And so this is Christmas, and did I have fun? The near and the dear one, so old and so young.

I am thirty years old, and it’s Christmas. Where am I and what the hell am I doing? I just want a viable way out of my mess of a life and a way to the life I want so badly. I know nothing is easy. Nothing ever has been. I think of the spectrum of people that run through my life. From those who are married, have Ph.Ds, and are on their way to seeming happiness, to those who are married, having babies, or just getting married. And then there are people who can’t seem to get it together. I guess you can never tell what is under the hood of someone’s life. It could be seemingly perfect on the outside and just a mess underneath. I guess I put on a pretty good show to those that don’t know me (and those that do know me, really, are very very few). No one knows how much of a mess I am, how close to the edge I am walking, how I live the way I do, traveling, because if I stay in one place too long, then I won’t be able to handle it.

There is such a thing as needing to be with the ones you love. The older I get, the more I realize how true this is. I get so lonely on the road, but I really have no choice but to stay here. The experiences I get really are priceless, and I wouldn’t exchange them. It’s just Christmas, and I miss my parents, my brother, my girlfriend and her family, and my dog. So I am going to try and wrap myself up in a big Christmas bundle of lights and movies and music and try not to let myself drown in my tears.

Christmas may be commercial, but I love every second of it. The glitter, lights, constant commercials, Santas, bells, and all the garish hoopla that goes with it. Because even though we don’t need a day to tell us to appreciate the ones we love and allow us to be together, Christmas means something, even more nowadays, that cannot be replaced. It’s a time where everyone seems to care, and people give without thinking, and families come together, love or hate, and spend time together. Yes, it’s true that we should make every day Christmas, but that will never happen. So I cling to the one month a year where all of this is a given. And yes, I cry because I am lonely. But I know there are people in my situation as well. So to them, I wish you a very Happy Christmas, and a knowing that you aren’t the only ones.

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
War is over
If you want it
War is over
Now…