For months, I have started countless blogs, and I never post them, because I’m never allowed to feel anything bad, right? This is just the context placed on myself, by no one else. But let’s be honest with yourself, I feel like I am sinking so low in the deep depths of something and I don’t know how to get myself out. The last time I remember being truly happy was months ago now. And so much has happened since then. Maybe I am just genetically predisposed to feeling this way, maybe I can’t see the stars for the trees, maybe I need an antidepressant.
I’ve sat through long lonely nights contemplating my exit, even figuring out how it was gonna happen, making sure that everything was there to make it happen. And I decided that’s not what I really want. Yet sometimes I still catch myself wishing I had the guts. But knowing, in reality, that having the guts is deciding to stick through things, because not everything is bad forever. In fact, the truth is, most things at the moment aren’t bad at all.
Last year is done. I’ve put that behind me. That door is finally closed. I don’t ever have to see that place again. I’ve minimized my life. I now only have the most important things. I know they all fit in just a few boxes, but it’s all material, right? Haven’t I, at times, wished that I could just shed everything material and just go? I think I have done it, to the best of my capabilities. I don’t have a permanent home. Well, I do, with her… <3 But I’m not there at the moment. I literally live out of my suitcase. I really don’t know if people understand what that really means.
I just want the sadness to stop, to give me a little reprieve. I want to feel truly happy for a moment, and to be able to revel in it. I’m working towards it. Everything is focused on it. I want to feel like I’m going somewhere. For awhile, I’ve just been standing still. I’ve been here too long. In this place. I need somewhere new. But the fact is that I’m never going to feel satisfied, feel like everything is ok, until I’m with her.
But for now, please just make something really, really good and concrete happen. Send me a sign that I’m gonna be alright. Please make the tears stop. Right now, I’m drowning.
